Any jokes, bring them on please...

[Workshy]

Off to visiting my Mum in hospital tomorrow (she's had some liquid taken out of her back, something to do with a slipped disc) and I'd like to print off some jokes. funy stories etc for her to read whilst stagnating in the ward.

Please post any that havent been posted of late and are suitable for an open minded female! Ooo

[frontrunner]

Hello matey :) ,

Here are a few jokes that your mum may like :geek

Did you hear about the dutchman with the inflaitable shoes?
He popped his cloggs last week.

Why was the the asylum seekers horse allowed into the country with him?
Because it was a rufugeegee.

Did you hear about the flasher who was going to retire?
He decided to stick it out for another year?

Did you know that your sons first girlfriend was nicknamed 'TREASURE'. It was because people kept asking him where he dug her up from :laugh Sorry WS I couldn't resist that one........Give her my best wishes :)


Frontrunner
:spinning

[Workshy]

Cheers FR, more welcome please all :)

[Workshy]

Disappointing, off to see her now.

[bigcumba]

Sorry mate, I'm hopeless at remembering jokes, and haven't had much spare time to look up any online... wish her well and a speedy recovery !

[frontrunner]

Here's another couple for you :geek

A man goes to see a phychiatrist for the first time wrapped in just a piece of cling film. The phychiatrist looks him up and down and says I can clearly see your nuts.

A man goes to hospital with a steering wheel stuck in his boxers they ask him if it's giving him any problems? Yes he replies it's driving me nuts.


Frontrunner
:spinning

[Laf]

Didn't see this 'til now.

What's black and white and eats like a horse?
A Zebra.


What did the magic tractor do?
Went down the road and turned into a field.

[bigcumba]

Some race horses staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. "In the last 15 races, I've won 8 of them!"

Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 19!!"

"Oh that's good, but in the last 36 races, I've won 28!", says another, flicking his tail.

At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening. "I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but in my last 90 races, I've won 88 of them!"

The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog."

[frontrunner]

News just in.............

The Liverpool manager R.BENITEZ was rushed to hospital after yesterdays defeat by Man utd.

A hospital spokesman said that Mr. BENITEZ has been admitted with a BAD SIDE


Frontrunner
:spinning

[Laf]

Hope she's not religious......

Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step into the showers before they realise there is no soap. Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers. He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue. The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled, he drops a bar of soap. "Oh look" says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser". To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood....sure enough he drops the second bar of soap. Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens. So she gives several more tugs, then yells!

"Holy Mary, Mother of God - Hand Lotion too!"

[bigcumba]

Three rats are sitting at the bar talking bragging about their bravery and toughness.

The first says, "I'm so tough, once I ate a whole bagful of rat poison!"

The second says, "Well I'm so tough, once I was caught in a rat trap and I bit it apart!"

Then the third rat gets up and says, "Later guys, I'm off home to harass the cat."

[bigcumba]

A young girl had not been feeling well and went to her family doctor. "Young lady," said the doctor, "you're pregnant."

"But that can't be. The only men I've been with are nudists and in our colony we practise sex only with our eyes."

"Well my dear," said the doctor, "someone in that colony is cockeyed."

[bigcumba]

There was a fly flying 6 inches above a lake.

A fish in the lake thinks, "If that fy dropped 6 inches I'd get it!!!"

A bear on land thinks, "If that fly dropped 6 inches, the fish would jump out of the water, and I'd get it!"

A hunter thinks, "If that fly drops 6 inches, the fish would jump, the bear will go to get the fish, and I'll shoot the bear"

A mouse thinks, "If that fly drops 6 inches, the fish would jump, the bear would go to get the fish, the hunter will go to get the bear, and I'll steal the cheese off his sandwich!"

A cat thinks, "If that fly drops 6 inches, the fish would jump, the bear would go to get the fish, the hunter will go to get the bear, the mouse will go get the cheese, and I'll get that mouse!!!"

Suddenly it all happened,
The fly dropped 6 inches, the fish got the fly, the bear get the fish, the hunter got the bear, the mouse got the hunter's cheese, but the cat missed the mouse and fell in the water!!!!!

The Moral Of This Story Is..................

"Everytime time a fly drops 6 inches, a pussy gets wet!!!"

[sparkyminer]

A man out playing golf slices off into the woods. When he goes to find the ball he discovers a witch (hat and all) stirring a cauldron. So out of curiosity he asks her what she is brewing.

"A magic potion" she replies.

"Well what is it for?" he asks.

"This potion will make anyone an excellent golfer."

At this he gets really excited and asks if he can have some. She is agreeable but warns him that it will have dire consequences on his sex life.

After a short period of soul searching he decides to try the potion. He goes back to the golf course and completes an excellent game of golf. Next he challenges the golf pro and beats him easily. He spends every possible moment of the next year playing golf at every course he manages to get to and having a wonderful time of it. After a year he finds himself back at the same course where he found the witch. Out of curiosity he slices one into the woods so he can talk to her.

"Well", she asks, "How has your game been?"

"Great! This has been the best year of my life. I have played all over the country and never lost a game."

"And how about your sex life?"

"Oh, not bad."

"Really? This stuff can really ruin a guy's sex life. Say, how many times did you have sex last year?"

"Hmmmm, it was three, no, four times."

"And you call that not bad?"

"Not for a priest with a small parish."

[sparkyminer]

While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing no one around it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts.

Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change.

A girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts.

"What's that ?" she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust.

"Tennis ball," came the breathless reply.

"Oh," said the girl sympathetically, "that must be painful.... I had tennis elbow once."

[bigcumba]

15 Reasons Why Choclate Is Better Than Sex


1.You can GET chocolate.

2.Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.

3.You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.

4.You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.

5.You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.

6.Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.

7.The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.

8.You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your work mates.

9.You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.

10.With chocolate there's no need to fake it.

11.You can have chocolate at any time of the month.

12.You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.

13.You are never too young or too old for chocolate.

14.When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake

15.With chocolate size doesn't matter; it's always good

[sparkyminer]

A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends £5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsagents and buys a paper.

Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35," was the reply.

"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.

After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question.

The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29".

"I am actually 47."

Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.

She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."

As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants.

Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47."

Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"

The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."

[Workshy]

Wow, came back to get a cd for the car. Cheers guys :D :D :D

[sparkyminer]

A preacher wanted to raise money for his church, and having been told that there was a fortune to be made in horse racing, he decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races. At the local auction, however, the going price for a horse was so steep that he ended up buying a donkey instead.

The preacher decided that he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races, and to his surprise, the donkey came in third. The next day, the racing sheets carried the following headline: PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS.

The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in another race, and this time it won. The headlines blared: PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT.

The bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher to not enter the donkey in any more races. The newspaper printed this headline: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS.

This was just too much for the bishop, and he ordered the preacher to get rid of the animal. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a neighboring village. The next day, the headlines announced: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The bishop fainted. As soon as he was able, he informed the nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey, and she finally found a farmer willing to buy it for £10. The paper announced the transaction as: NUN PEDDLES ASS FOR TEN QUID.

They buried the Bishop the next day.

[sparkyminer]

A boy takes his girlfriend home after going out together.

When they reach the front door, he leans against the wall with one hand and says, "Sweetie, why don't you give me a blowjob?"

"What? You're crazy!"

"Don't worry, it will be quick, no problem."

"No!! Someone may see -- a relative, a neighbour..."

"At this time of the night? No one will show up..."

"I've already said No, and NO!"

"Honey, it's just a small blowie...I know you'd like it, too..."

"No! I've said NO!"

"My love... Don't be like that..."

At this moment, the girlfriend's younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown with her hair totally in disorder. Rubbing her eyes, she says, "Dad says either you have to blow him, I have to blow him, or he will come down and give the guy a blowjob himself, but for God's sake, tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom!"

[Workshy]

Right I'm definately going, thanks for response chaps, should go some way to easing her bordem. :)