piggy
2nd July 2008, 11:10
The following exchanges occurred on the original United States "Hollywood Squares" TV game show, when the questions indisputably were designed to provoke comic responses, but the responses themselves were spontaneous, rather than scripted as they are in today's version of the show. The show featured various celebrities of the day.
Q: If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how high? A: Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q: True or false . . . a pea can last as long as 5,000 years. A: George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q: You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman? A: Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q: According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think he's really attractive, is it okay to come out directly and ask him if he's married? A: Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.
Q: Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older? A: Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q: What are "Do It", "I Can Help" and "Can't Get Enough"? A: George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next flat.
Q: As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while you are talking? A: Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing older question, Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget!
Q: Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather? A: Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q: Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during your first year? A: Charley Weaver: Of course not, Peter. I'm too busy growing strawberries!
Q: In bowling, what's a perfect score? A: Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics. What is the other? A: Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q: During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet? A: Rose Marie: Unfortunately, Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q: Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls? A: Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q: When you pat a dog on its head, he will usually wag his tail. What will a goose do? A: Paul Lynde: Make him bark.
Q: If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to? A: Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q: According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people? A: Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army!
Q: Is it possible for the puppies in a litter to have more than one daddy? A: Paul Lynde: Why, that bitch!
Q: While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo! Poo!" What does that mean? A: George Goebel: Cattle crossing.
Q: Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do? A: George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q: Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant? A: Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q: When a couple has a baby, who is responsible for its sex? A: Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car. The rest is up to him.
Q: Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at east two occasions. What are they? A: Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q: Do female frogs croak? A: Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q: If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how high? A: Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q: True or false . . . a pea can last as long as 5,000 years. A: George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q: You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman? A: Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q: According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think he's really attractive, is it okay to come out directly and ask him if he's married? A: Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.
Q: Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older? A: Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q: What are "Do It", "I Can Help" and "Can't Get Enough"? A: George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next flat.
Q: As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while you are talking? A: Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing older question, Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget!
Q: Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather? A: Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q: Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during your first year? A: Charley Weaver: Of course not, Peter. I'm too busy growing strawberries!
Q: In bowling, what's a perfect score? A: Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics. What is the other? A: Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q: During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet? A: Rose Marie: Unfortunately, Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q: Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls? A: Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q: When you pat a dog on its head, he will usually wag his tail. What will a goose do? A: Paul Lynde: Make him bark.
Q: If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to? A: Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q: According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people? A: Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army!
Q: Is it possible for the puppies in a litter to have more than one daddy? A: Paul Lynde: Why, that bitch!
Q: While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo! Poo!" What does that mean? A: George Goebel: Cattle crossing.
Q: Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do? A: George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q: Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant? A: Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q: When a couple has a baby, who is responsible for its sex? A: Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car. The rest is up to him.
Q: Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at east two occasions. What are they? A: Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q: Do female frogs croak? A: Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.